It must be a birthday thing. Like just before and just after I figure I start getting reflective. at kind of bullshit is that. I’ve just recently endured another break up. Which is kind of weird cos after the last one I swore blind there was no way I was doing that again and yet I slipped back into the dating pool and eventual found myself with a wonderful girl. A wonderful girl who turned out to be a narcissistic shit. I was manoeuvred into situations I found uncomfortable. I convinced myself that change was good and inevitable. I as rearranging my life and my space around her and she decided that what she needed wasn’t what we’d planned. No discussion. She was convinced it was a risk and decided to go the safe road. Things were said and the relationship collapsed. I’m not in a good place. In addition to all the other bad places I’m already in. Tonight I was just running through the emotions. And that’s why I’m writing this. It’s a holler into the void.
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Fuck any of you who have Staind in there heads now. The rest of you… hahahaha you now have Staind stuck in your head or you had to google that reference. You’re all fucked anyhow.
I keep promising myself things. Things I probably don’t deserve… then I go away, repeat everything I’ve done in the past and then come back a year later and wonder how I managed to make it worse.
You know how… cos I’m easily distracted. The things I know I should be doing I don’t do often enough and the things I want to do… I don’t do often enough either so I find easy ways to indulge in things that are easy.
I live a life fuelled by distraction.
I have no concept of balance.
This is a thing I do…
Maybe this year I will try and be better.
See you all next year for my excuse about how I made it worse.
Take it easy,
Cmid
Bonus points to anyone who has the right song stuck in there head now.
I’ve covered how I like to start things. The large gaps attest to how little I actually finish or stick to.
It’s been a massively shite year so far. I’ve been battling debt, depression, work. I’m sick of it.
I’m on the cusp of getting it back together.
Now… If I can get to the cusp of getting my shit together I’ll be laughing.
Aye, the title sums it up succinctly. I trained to write. Now… It’s something I pretend to do.
I do write. I just don’t do it often enough. When I do I get wrapped up in new ideas and I never finish anything.
This blog will stand as a testament to my inability to finish the job.
It’s no good to always be writing. I need to finish something.
I know why I’m avoiding the endings. Maybe I’ll scrawl that down someday.
This will stand testament to one of those things I’ll never finish…
I’m not 100% sure these are the same tropes.
Regardless… I am stuck.
Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression. Whatever it is it’s becoming unrelenting. I am creatively dry. Ideas are shrivelling like fruit on an un-watered tree in the height of summer.
I’m also haunted by bad decisions. This has been a recurring theme most of my life yet… lately it’s been drawn into a much sharper focus.
Is the realisation of faults a path to enlightenment and change? I can’t convince myself. The stories we are told/read are dripped into us so that we see the protagonist learn and change. It’s pretty fundamental to story telling. The main character should be taken on a journey that sees him grow as a person.
I can’t be convinced that fiction imitates life if this is the case because I rarely feel I learn anything from what happened.
To an extent I am at least now aware of the things I do and the character traits I have taken on yet I seem to be following an inescapeable path toward retreading these constantly.
Am I being slow on the uptake? I don’t think so. I know what I’m doing, what I’m capable of and the havoc that it can bring yet… I’m still drawn to do it. I feel like I have become the narcissistic bad guy in my own life.
There are times when I have no real problem with this. I guess that’s the narcissism? There are times when I curse myself for my inability to change in the face of an overwhelming retreading of bad shit that I created.
Now… I have to wonder what is responsible for this cycle. Can I break and if so what is it that’s causing it. Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression.
Regardless… I am stuck.
Hey folks. I am Cmidrfti. A gamer, a geek, and a technophile. I’ve also been known dip my toes into more artistic pursuits. Over the years I’ve acted, written and directed for the stage. I’ve also dabbled in music and played in various bands over a period of around 15 years. All of this was done in a purely amateur capacity. I guess that’s where I always end up, dabbling in various things and then moving on.
Times have changed folks. Once upon a time this blog was a vehicle for me documenting the obscene amount of time I dedicated to World of Warcraft. I slipped away from playing WoW sometime ago. I went on holiday and drifted. Then the shit hit the fan…
I had the best of intentions this morning of coming in and spending some time getting a solid post up about where I’m at and my expectations for 3.3, unfortunately it’s been a tad busy round the office this morning and I’ve been unable to get near my “trusty” laptop.
So I open my browser and I open WoW to check on how long the servers will be down and guess what?
It’s live, it’s already up and running, all systems are go.
So ciao for now pimps.
Will post impressions soon.
I’ve been neglecting this site for a while. Mostly because I’ve been spending a lot of time playing WoW and the rest of it away from a computer.
In an attempt to get things back on track I have decided to change the name on the blog. The reasons are two-fold, firstly it has been brought to my attention that the previous blog title was already in use by another blogger and I wouldn’t want to step on any toes in the unlikely event that I ever get any readers. Secondly, by changing the name I have given myself a schedule for writing and posting. What better time to do it than during server down time. This led me to “Weekly Maintenance”, any WoW players out there will understand the frustration of weekly maintenance and the added frustration of the all too frequent extended maintenance.
Hopefully this will focus my attention more on the blog on those quiet Wednesday morning (yes I’m on a euro server, Brozebeard-EU for the most part). I will start to collate some screen shots for posting once the servers are back up. I’ve achieved a hell of a lot since my first two WoW posts and will start to cobble together something looking like an update shortly.
Now where are all the readers hiding so that I can pretend that this is worthwhile…
So here it is, my most recent foray into the world of blogging.
Once upon a time blogging was a fairly frequent past time of mine back in the hazy days when myspazz was all the rage and I was still playing bass.
Having removed myself from the myriad social networks out there and finding myself becoming more and more attached to technology as time has passed I find myself here.
So… a quick intro for those that don’t know me. I’m pushing 30, my rock and roll days are fading into a distant memory and I spend most of my free time now playing computer games. Yup, computer games. The much maligned art form has taken over a considerable chunk of my life where previously it had been little but a hobby to whittle away a few hours between more important things happening.
I have the best of intentions of using this blog to talk about life in general and my place in it. I’ll probably also be posting extensively on the media, music and of course, gaming.
I should point out that since February I have become addicted to the electronic crack that is World of Warcraft and I won’t be entirely surprised if that is what makes up most of the content.
In keeping with the old myspazz blog pages I will probably try and attach a little bit on the end about what I’m enjoying watching, reading or listening to at the time as well.
I guess this about wraps up this introductory post. I’m off now to poke wordpress and see if I can get to grips with the tools I have available.
Till next time pimps.
Cmid
Watching: Charlie Brooker’s Gameswipe. Available on bbc iplayer
Listening: Sea Sew, Lisa Hannigan
Playing: Professor Layton and Pandora’s Box
See-Mid-Are-Eff-Tea-Eye 