Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

It’s that time of year again.

Posted: August 12, 2015 in Uncategorized

It must be a birthday thing. Like just before and just after I figure I start getting reflective. at kind of bullshit is that. I’ve just recently endured another break up. Which is kind of weird cos after the last one I swore blind there was no way I was doing that again and yet I slipped back into the dating pool and eventual found myself with a wonderful girl. A wonderful girl who turned out to be a narcissistic shit. I was manoeuvred into situations I found uncomfortable. I convinced myself that change was good and inevitable. I as rearranging my life and my space around her and she decided that what she needed wasn’t what we’d planned. No discussion. She was convinced it was a risk and decided to go the safe road. Things were said and the relationship collapsed. I’m not in a good place. In addition to all the other bad places I’m already in. Tonight I was just running through the emotions. And that’s why I’m writing this. It’s a holler into the void.

It’s been a while

Posted: September 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

Fuck any of you who have Staind in there heads now. The rest of you… hahahaha you now have Staind stuck in your head or you had to google that reference. You’re all fucked anyhow.

I keep promising myself things. Things I probably don’t deserve… then I go away, repeat everything I’ve done in the past and then come back a year later and wonder how I managed to make it worse.

You know how… cos I’m easily distracted. The things I know I should be doing I don’t do often enough and the things I want to do… I don’t do often enough either so I find easy ways to indulge in things that are easy.

I live a life fuelled by distraction.

I have no concept of balance.

This is a thing I do…

Maybe this year I will try and be better.

 

See you all next year for my excuse about how I made it worse.

Take it easy,

Cmid

Here I go again

Posted: November 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

Bonus points to anyone who has the right song stuck in there head now.

I’ve covered how I like to start things. The large gaps attest to how little I actually finish or stick to.

It’s been a massively shite year so far. I’ve been battling debt, depression, work. I’m sick of it.

I’m on the cusp of getting it back together.

Now… If I can get to the cusp of getting my shit together I’ll be laughing.

Half arsed attempts

Posted: August 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

Aye, the title sums it up succinctly. I trained to write. Now… It’s something I pretend to do.

I do write. I just don’t do it often enough. When I do I get wrapped up in new ideas and I never finish anything.

This blog will stand as a testament to my inability to finish the job.

It’s no good to always be writing. I need to finish something.

I know why I’m avoiding the endings. Maybe I’ll scrawl that down someday.

This will stand testament to one of those things I’ll never finish…

A vicious cycle/Downward Spiral

Posted: December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’m not 100% sure these are the same tropes.

Regardless… I am stuck.

Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression. Whatever it is it’s becoming unrelenting. I am creatively dry. Ideas are shrivelling like fruit on an un-watered tree in the height of summer. 

I’m also haunted by bad decisions. This has been a recurring theme most of my life yet… lately it’s been drawn into a much sharper focus.

Is the realisation of faults a path to enlightenment and change? I can’t convince myself. The stories we are told/read are dripped into us so that we see the protagonist learn and change. It’s pretty fundamental to story telling. The main character should be taken on a journey that sees him grow as a person.

I can’t be convinced that fiction imitates life if this is the case because I rarely feel I learn anything from what happened.

To an extent I am at least now aware of the things I do and the character traits I have taken on yet I seem to be following an inescapeable path toward retreading these constantly.

Am I being slow on the uptake? I don’t think so. I know what I’m doing, what I’m capable of and the havoc that it can bring yet… I’m still drawn to do it. I feel like I have become the narcissistic bad guy in my own life.

There are times when I have no real problem with this. I guess that’s the narcissism? There are times when I curse myself for my inability to change in the face of an overwhelming retreading of bad shit that I created.

Now… I have to wonder what is responsible for this cycle. Can I break and if so what is it that’s causing it. Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression.

Regardless… I am stuck.

Introductions.

Posted: September 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Hey folks. I am Cmidrfti. A gamer, a geek, and a technophile. I’ve also been known dip my toes  into more artistic pursuits. Over the years I’ve acted, written and directed for the stage. I’ve also dabbled in music and played in various bands over a period of around 15 years. All of this was done in a purely amateur capacity. I guess that’s where I always end up, dabbling in various things and then moving on. 

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Times have changed folks. Once upon a time this blog was a vehicle for me documenting the obscene amount of time I dedicated to World of Warcraft. I slipped away from playing WoW sometime ago. I went on holiday and drifted. Then the shit hit the fan…

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