It must be a birthday thing. Like just before and just after I figure I start getting reflective. at kind of bullshit is that. I’ve just recently endured another break up. Which is kind of weird cos after the last one I swore blind there was no way I was doing that again and yet I slipped back into the dating pool and eventual found myself with a wonderful girl. A wonderful girl who turned out to be a narcissistic shit. I was manoeuvred into situations I found uncomfortable. I convinced myself that change was good and inevitable. I as rearranging my life and my space around her and she decided that what she needed wasn’t what we’d planned. No discussion. She was convinced it was a risk and decided to go the safe road. Things were said and the relationship collapsed. I’m not in a good place. In addition to all the other bad places I’m already in. Tonight I was just running through the emotions. And that’s why I’m writing this. It’s a holler into the void.
Fuck any of you who have Staind in there heads now. The rest of you… hahahaha you now have Staind stuck in your head or you had to google that reference. You’re all fucked anyhow.
I keep promising myself things. Things I probably don’t deserve… then I go away, repeat everything I’ve done in the past and then come back a year later and wonder how I managed to make it worse.
You know how… cos I’m easily distracted. The things I know I should be doing I don’t do often enough and the things I want to do… I don’t do often enough either so I find easy ways to indulge in things that are easy.
I live a life fuelled by distraction.
I have no concept of balance.
This is a thing I do…
Maybe this year I will try and be better.
See you all next year for my excuse about how I made it worse.
Take it easy,
Bonus points to anyone who has the right song stuck in there head now.
I’ve covered how I like to start things. The large gaps attest to how little I actually finish or stick to.
It’s been a massively shite year so far. I’ve been battling debt, depression, work. I’m sick of it.
I’m on the cusp of getting it back together.
Now… If I can get to the cusp of getting my shit together I’ll be laughing.
Aye, the title sums it up succinctly. I trained to write. Now… It’s something I pretend to do.
I do write. I just don’t do it often enough. When I do I get wrapped up in new ideas and I never finish anything.
This blog will stand as a testament to my inability to finish the job.
It’s no good to always be writing. I need to finish something.
I know why I’m avoiding the endings. Maybe I’ll scrawl that down someday.
This will stand testament to one of those things I’ll never finish…
I’m not 100% sure these are the same tropes.
Regardless… I am stuck.
Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression. Whatever it is it’s becoming unrelenting. I am creatively dry. Ideas are shrivelling like fruit on an un-watered tree in the height of summer.
I’m also haunted by bad decisions. This has been a recurring theme most of my life yet… lately it’s been drawn into a much sharper focus.
Is the realisation of faults a path to enlightenment and change? I can’t convince myself. The stories we are told/read are dripped into us so that we see the protagonist learn and change. It’s pretty fundamental to story telling. The main character should be taken on a journey that sees him grow as a person.
I can’t be convinced that fiction imitates life if this is the case because I rarely feel I learn anything from what happened.
To an extent I am at least now aware of the things I do and the character traits I have taken on yet I seem to be following an inescapeable path toward retreading these constantly.
Am I being slow on the uptake? I don’t think so. I know what I’m doing, what I’m capable of and the havoc that it can bring yet… I’m still drawn to do it. I feel like I have become the narcissistic bad guy in my own life.
There are times when I have no real problem with this. I guess that’s the narcissism? There are times when I curse myself for my inability to change in the face of an overwhelming retreading of bad shit that I created.
Now… I have to wonder what is responsible for this cycle. Can I break and if so what is it that’s causing it. Perhaps it’s the unending headache. It may well be the recurrent depression.
Regardless… I am stuck.
Tags: inspiration, technology, writing
A phone call with my mother took a turn toward artistic endeavours the other day. We never really discuss our artistic pursuits. They lie in different areas and well… we’ve both lapsed. The conversation was cut short as most mobile phone calls tend to be but it got me thinking. We both agreed that we had been inspired once, that we had felt a creative spark, all past tense. So what had happened? What had kept us from letting out that creativity?
I can’t speak for my mother of course but I got a little introspective. I started to mull over the last time I’d been really inspired to write something. It was back when I’d been playing in a band. Sure I’d had ideas since then, but nothing that I ever fully realised and certainly never committed to paper. Ah ha… I thought… paper…
Tags: Android, Hoccer, iOS, webOS
It’s shaping up to be a bizarre week. On a train back from the Edinburgh Fringe last week I took a tumble when the train decided to slow down somewhat quicker than my legs could anticipate. If you have ever landed firmly on your coccyx then you will appreciate the current level of discomfort I am facing. I like to slouch around with my mobile gadgets, sadly that is not on the cards. In this post I’d like to talk about the issues surrounding running multiple operating systems and in particular the inability easily share data.